Some things never change. We think as we grow older, we grow into new people. I found proof that is a lie. I found old blogs saved onto a hard drive from as early as 2004. Six life-changing years have gone by. This is what I had to say:
I'm sitting here, alone in this room. I'm moving tomorrow. I've been packing my life away into boxes for hours now. I'm wondering which of these boxes would be missed if it were lost. There are bags of clothes, boxes of picture frames, cups, flowers, linens... and that pink tub of nonsense that I collected for years. What made me keep all of this? Letters, pictures, movie stubs, ducktape?? candy...yeah, I kept the candy. I still have those three dried up roses that were given to me on valentine's day. I always hated valentine's day. ...
If I know that this part of my life is gone, then what am I holding on to? It was my choice to silence the madness that existed. I made the last call, and shut off the lights. This tired place is lonely now. It's time to go home. Did I save everything for a lonely night that I might regret....
There's no room for you in my new place. There's hardly any room for me. This pink container is filled with the memories of a girl that doesn't exist. You and I both know that I will never be the same.. Can't you see that you are holding on to the slipping hands of a girl that has already fallen? I hit the ground and you are still trying to save a life..the life of us. Well, since then I've gotten back up, and walked away.
I've given other boys a chance to pour salt in my wounds. I've even given them the chance to think they were the cause of my sadness. Well, I'm sorry but this isn't about you this time. Last summer was spent reflecting on those windy nights. The nights that you didn't understand. I hope by now you will be able to read between the lines when someone says "I'm not happy." Because those words aren't spoken with any sugar-coating. In fact, ever since then, not a word out of my mouth has been served with a sweetener. It's as if I've grown cold towards the idea of love.
I don't believe in love or fate anymore. Not because of you. It's just an unfortunate series of events that causes a girl to disbelieve everything anyone has told her. I like everyone and trust no one... not even my own judgment. My friends are blessed with wisdom and intelligence, but it's not enough to guide me to the unbroken roads. I'm stubborn enough to walk into a shadowy midnight, even after I've signed a contract stating there is no promise of satisfaction or relief from heartbreak.
Currently, there is someone in my life that leads me into the darkness. It's just me vs. maradona vs. elvis. If you don't like anything Brand New, then be ashamed because I am in love. They tell us to fight our own demons.. and that is what I'll do. He's the only one that shares my respect and admiration of Brand New (it's music). I've been down this road many times before. We've always gone our separate ways, painlessly. Why do we always come back here? But is there light at the end of the tunnel, or will I fall flat on my face and left there to cry alone?
So should the contents of these boxes be emptied into trash bags, or should I continue to transport and hide away the bare memories of my life? Perhaps the flowers should go, but the boxes of letters will stay with me. There's still something missing in my life, but I'm 99.9% positive that it isn't you.
There comes a point in a girl's life when she realizes she's been looking for something that isn't there. Everything she dreams of, everything she imagines, all that is real...was never there to begin with. No matter how hopeful she is or who she inspires, the happiness she so desperately holds onto belongs to someone else.
I stopped looking for you today. I laughed at myself for tripping over the uneven sidewalk. My neighbors laughed as well. It was cold outside. The air was filled with the scent of burning woodchips. The smell of winter. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it always seems shove me on my face. I laughed anyway.
My tears keep smearing my carefully applied smile. I hate having to reapply that thing everyday. If you were to smile at me, I would look away.
I have everything but something. I don't need much. I won a yo-yo today. I laughed at that, too. Thanks. Maybe tomorrow I'll laugh at the fact that some things never change.
Some things never existed.
